Matt’s Thoughts – Page 3

I Am Who I Am

I’ve been reflecting lately. On 2021. On my life. On the things I’ve done and haven’t done. Not in a bad way. More like a reflection of my past to better understand the present and the future.

It’s weird. Because from the time I turned 18 until I was in my late 20s, I sort of struggled with who I was. I didn’t know what career I wanted. I didn’t fully know who I was as a person. I didn’t know if I had any skills that were worth anything. I wasn’t necessarily a mess, it was just a decade of discovery for me.

The weird thing is, once I hit 30, all of that kind of changed. Well, most of it. Ok, only some of it. I discovered who I was in my late 20s. The person I am, my values and traits, that was all locked in. But something kind of funny happened. Something I didn’t expect. I stopped caring.

What do I mean by that? It’s simple. I stopped giving a shit about what other people thought of me. Last year I read a book called The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck. It was a great read and I recommend it to everyone. After reading that book, I was left speechless. I realized that I put way too much effort into things I couldn’t control. About a year later, I finally started taking the advice from the book.

We can’t control everything. We can’t control how people view us. We can’t control what they think of us. We can’t control what they say about us either. But we can control how we react to things. And once I hit 30, I literally decided that people’s opinions of me didn’t matter anymore. If they talk trash about me, that doesn’t matter either. I know who I am and I’m not changing for anyone. I know I can’t control what people say about me, but I can control how I react. And how will I react? I’ll act like I don’t don’t care anymore because I don’t.

Now That I’m 30…

For the last month of being 29, I was dreading being 30. I felt like I wasn’t successful enough. I felt like I still had so much to do before I hit 30. It was quite stressful. And for what reason? None at all. I’m serious. I was stressing over nothing…literally nothing.

I’ve been 30 for about a month. I’ve had time to think in that month. What I thought was going to be a disaster, really isn’t. Sure, I’m not in the field I want to be. I still have student debt, but who doesn’t at this point. I was so focused on what could go wrong, that I failed to look at the things that could go right.

First of all, I have a job that isn’t at all bad. Not only do I have an awesome job, but I also have awesome benefits with that job. Sure, work can get crazy and stressful at times, but those times are rare and I can usually see them coming ahead of time. I’m also still in school, but I’m learning things that I hope to use in my future career as a film maker.

Before I turned 30 I submitted a short film of mine to a couple contests. I haven’t heard anything back yet, and I probably won’t for a few more months, but I’m glad I did it. It’ll allow others to see what I can write. It could also open the door for an opportunity that I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise.

I also had a YouTube video from three years ago go “viral”. I just checked on my channel one day and this one video had thousands and thousands of views. The more it got viewed, the more popular it became. As of writing this, it has almost 100,000 views and almost 3,000 likes. I’ve also gained over 300 subscribers on YouTube as a result of it. The video is short, and it’s of me playing Fortnite. If you are curious, the video can be seen here (viral Fortnite video).

I feel like being 30 is actually a good thing. It’s a time for me to discover who I really am. It’s a time for me to live. It’s a time to try new things. It’s a time to travel all over. Being 30 feels like the actual beginning of my adult life. I felt like a kid in my late teens and 20s. I felt like I was still growing up. Now that I’m 30, I feel like I’m in my prime and I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want.

Almost 30

So, here we are. A few weeks before my 30th birthday and I feel both excited and anxious. Being 30 isn’t all that bad I suppose. I mean, I am still 29. The difference between 29 and 30 can’t be all that much. One year older, and one more year to try to accomplish my goals.

Now, I’m not saying I’m unhappy with my current life. I’m actually really happy with where I am. Would I do some things over? Absolutely. Do I have any regrets? Nope. Not a single regret. I feel that everything I’ve done has contributed to where I am today. And when you can see how the past shapes the future, regret disappears.

When I go back and look at the journey of my life, I can pinpoint the things that led me to where I am today. Everything from getting straight C’s in high school to being a full-time Zamboni driver. It’s all connected.

Because I didn’t really care in high school and did the bare minimum to get by, I wound up going to Northern Illinois University. My grades were good enough for that and it was far enough away from home for me to finally be on my own. While I had fun, it didn’t last long.

I was put on academic probation and came home after my first year. I spent most of my time after that at community college just taking classes. Any classes, really. I didn’t fully know what I wanted to do yet. I dabbled in history, acting, creative writing, journalism, the list goes on and on.

Since I was going to community college, I needed a job. I got hired at an ice rink as a Zamboni driver, and that’s been my job for the last ten years. Why an ice rink? I love ice skating and playing hockey. Why not work somewhere you love being? It’s hard to believe I spent a decade making ice for people to skate on. And over the last ten years, I’ve become one of the best (at least in my opinion).

Over the last ten years, I’ve worked at five different ice rinks. Four inside and one outside. I’ve driven something like 12 different ice resurfacers. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve had a lot of fun. I’ve met some awesome people including professional hockey players and Olympic athletes. But at the end of the day, this isn’t what I want to do forever. I want to do something more.

Where I’m at now, it’s not a bad place. Coming here was probably the best decision I made. But at the same time, I finally figured out what I want to do with myself. It took about eight years of college to figure it out. To put it simply…I want to make movies.

Or if I can’t make movies, I want to be a part of making them in some way. I feel like I have good movie ideas. But if they don’t get made, it’s not the end of the world. I’ve also gotten very good at editing video. I’d happily edit movies as a career. Editing is it’s own form of creativity.

What if it doesn’t work out? Well, if it doesn’t work out, I still have a really awesome job to fall back on. One where people care. One where I have full benefits and don’t have to really worry about much. The job I have now is amazing. But as a creative person, I want more. I’ll always want more and one day, I’ll have more. But I will never forget where I came from. If it wasn’t for the job I got ten years ago, I wouldn’t have the opportunities I have today. I’ll forever be grateful for that.

What I Realized This Weekend

A couple days ago, I went with my family to see Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. Without giving spoilers, I will say that the movie was absolutely incredible. From the fight scenes to the beautiful landscapes they show. It was also a very different Marvel movie and it was a movie I didn’t know I needed until I saw it.

For the last few months, even years, I’ve known I wanted to get into filmmaking. I want to write my own films. I want to make them. That’s my dream…or it was. After watching Shang-Chi I realized that my real goal is something different.

I don’t just want to write and make movies for a living. I want to work for Marvel. I want to be a part of the movies they make. Even if the movie isn’t mine, I would be happy just to work on it in some way. So much of what Marvel does amazes me. So much of what I see inspires me.

I feel like working for Marvel would be the ultimate goal. If I get lucky, I might even get to make my own movie for them one day. But as long as I got to work on a movie that Marvel puts out, I think that I’d be happy. So much of what they’ve done has impacted me positively. It would just be nice to be a part of that one day.

Creative Struggles

A few weeks ago, I went on a small vacation. I wasn’t able to take a full vacation this year because of work. I was promoted to a full-time employee in May and I don’t get vacation time for at least 6 months. I do only work 4 10 hour days most of the time, so I was able to stack my days off to the end of the week so I could a least spend some time away. After everything with COVID and working a lot, a small break was nice.

I love my job. I really do. It isn’t too difficult and it’s pretty relaxed. Most of the people that come here don’t cause issues. While I do love what I do, I know I don’t want to do it forever. It’s a good job for now, and it’s really the only thing I’ve ever done. But in 10 years, I hope to be doing something else. Something different. I hope to be doing the job I truly want to have.

I want to create stories. I want to tell stories. I want to make movies. All of that is fun and all, but there are times where I hit a creative block. I get to a point in my story where I don’t know where to go next, even after plotting it out. I have some amazing story ideas…ideas that could turn into something. But sometimes I just don’t know where to go with them. And sometimes, I go one way with it and then change it when I go back to edit it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that my biggest struggle is linking the beginning to the end while still keeping interest up. It’s so easy to just not care about characters, but I want to make sure that my characters are relatable. I want people to see themselves in my characters. If not that, then I want people to say, “I know someone like that.” Characters are the true stars of my stories. If I don’t have exciting or relatable characters, I feel like I’ve failed in telling my story.

I know I’ll get better at it the more I do it, I just wish I was better at it now. I know these things take time. I just get impatient at times. I think most people are like that in some aspect. They don’t want to spend the time working on a skill. They just want the perfected result. Funny thing is, a lot of times, the journey was way more exciting that just getting to the end.

Sometimes, I do wish I could fast forward. But I also know that if I did, I’d probably regret it. Watching Click taught me that lesson. Being almost 30 reinforced that lesson. As a kid, I couldn’t wait to grow up. Well, I grew up and sometimes, I wish I could just be a kid again. It’s been a long journey for me, and I know in the end, it’ll all be worth it.